ShaffsAnecdotes

A E MATTHEWS

When the 84 year old was asked by a reporter "Mr Matthews, why at your age are you still working so hard?"

Replied "It's quite simple dear boy, every morning I read the Times obituary column and if I'm not in it, I go to work!"

TOM STOPPARD

In 1967, when 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' first opened, was asked

"What's it all about then?" retorted "It's about to make me rich!"

BARBRA STREISAND

On meeting Sophia Loren who said:

"I would give anything to sing like you!"

Replied: "If I could look like you, I wouldn't even wanna talk!"add

WALTER MATTHAU

His first confrontation with La Streisand was when he yelled at her:

"You might be the singer in this picture, but I'm the actor. You haven't got the talent of a butterfly's fart!"ire to add your text.

During a very fraught rehearsal for a Broadway musical, an actor screamed:

"Who do I have to fuck to get out of this production?"

The Director screamed back:

"The same person you fucked to get in!"

BLITHE SPIRIT

During a 'run through' of the play at Bromley's Churchill Theatre, a rather well known and loved actress, playing Madame Arcati, passed wind very loudly.

Naturally we all fell about and five minutes later after umpteen apologies, the wonderful lady looked out front and said to the Director:

"Again, my apologies, where would you like us to go from?"

"From the fart!" was the Director's reply.

Collapse of all concerned.

MARILYN MONROE

When asked if she really had nothing on in a calender photograph?

"The radio"

On being asked what she wore in bed?

"Chanel No 5!"

ROBERT MORLEY

Ginx Flkender, New York model being interviewed:

"Tell me, now that your husband is a tennis professional, do you watch him play?"

"Too nervous" she replied.

"But just before a match I always kiss his balls"

"We are speaking, ofcourse, of his tennis balls" remarked the urbane and unfortunate network employee.

SIR JOHN GIELGUD

When at a dress rehearsal of his production of a Mozart opera at Covent Garden, something went wrong on stage, he shouted:

"Oh stop stop stop! Do stop that dreadful music!"

ME!!

A stunning lady was at a party, I was introduced and simply could not help myself!

"May I say, you look incredible"

"How kind, thank you"

"You so remind me of one of those fabulous creatures. you know, the afghan"

"You mean, I'm a dog!"

She immediately stormed out, never to be seen again.

As for me? I simply disappeared through the hole in the floor!

RICHARD INGRAMS

When seriously threatened with imprisonment was asked what he feared most:

"The possibilty of having a visit from Lord Longford"

CORAL BROWNE

On visiting backstage at the National Theatre was asked for her comments on the set for 'Oedipus Rex' which mainly consisted of an 18ft golden phallus:

"Well dear" said Coral, "It's no one I know!"

NOEL COWARD (Possibly DAVID NIVEN)

Watching the coronation in the pouring rain, Queen Salote Of Tonga passes by in an open carriage with her equerry.

His friend asks ''Who do you suppose that little man is?''

''My dear, probably her lunch!''

WILFRED LAWSON

The great actor known for liking a tipple or two or three, drinking in the Salisbury with his new found friend, decide to take in a matinee next door at the Albery. Worse for wear they find their seats. Ten minutes into the play, he whispers to his friend ''You'll love this bit, it's where I come on!''

ARTHUR LUCAN (Old Mother Riley)

"We're all from the same mould but some of us are mouldier than others!"

Died suddenly on Stage. The Management rang his wife KITTY McSHANE

''Arthur has died''

''Where?''

''Hull''

''Typical''

MISS DIANA DORS (The Fabulous)

Was once asked and readily agreed to open a fete in her home town of Swindon. She lunched with the local vicar, during which, she let slip that her real name was DIANA FLUCK.

The vicar became somewhat worried about his planned speech.

After lunch, they arrived at the appointed time.

The vicar began and uttered these immortal words.

''Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you, our star guest, we all love her and especially as she is our local girl. I therefore feel it right to introduce her by her real name, Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Diana Clunt.'' (Told to us by the 'Fab Lady')

THE QUEEN

Was riding in a carriage with a dignitary during a State Visit. One of the horses broke wind appallingly.

The Queen said ''I'm most dreadfully sorry!''

''That's perfectly alright Ma'am, had you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse''.

BARRY CRYER (Favourite Joke)

A man in his car out in the country runs over a cockerel. He goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. The farmer's wife answers.

''I'm most dreadfully sorry but I appear to have killed your cockerel. I'd like to replace it''

''Please yourself'' she replied ''The hens are round the back''

So popular was he with the backstage crew that they would regularly urinate into the water tanks that were to rain down on to Steele's head during his performance of the show's title number.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22

with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.

Now that I'm over sixty I'm veering toward respectability.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

Where do you go to get anorexia?

A friend of mine who used to sing in the Royal Opera Chorus, wrote plays. Sadly an ageing aunt of his died but left him a legacy, which he used to stage one of his epics.

At the end of our opening night at the Lyric Hammersmith (before the building was moved brick by brick to its present location) an actor said to me "Isn't it wonderful, it's gone so well, you can hear a pin drop"

I brought the curtain down and assembled the cast on stage for calls.

On taking the curtain up, there wasn't a sound - then heard the leading lady say

"Where is everybody?"

"Gone to the pub if they have any sense" replied the cleaner.

SIR ROBERT HELPMAN

During a ballet tour, his company played a huge sports arena.

The management thinking they were doing the right thing, gave Sir Robert the umpires' dressing room. At the 'half-hour' the stage manager put his head round Sir Robert's door to give him his call only to discover the star standing on a chair, perched on a table, small mirror in hand under the one and only light bulb in the room applying intricate eye make-up.

"Are you alright Sir Robert?" the stage manager enquired.

"Well yes, I suppose, but heaven knows how the umpires cope!"dd your text

A blind date was arranged for a friend of mine. He being the optimist, popped into the chemist and bought some condoms.

Arriving at the hotel bar as organised, discovered to his horror, that his date had sold him the condoms.ms.xt.

Noel [Coward] and I were in Paris once. Adjoining rooms, of course. One night, I felt mischievous, so I knocked on Noel's door, and he asked, 'Who is it?' I lowered my voice and said 'Hotel detective. Have you got a gentleman in your room?' He answered, 'Just a minute, I'll ask him.'”

Dancer reprimanded by George came back with the comment “But Mr Carden I’m not queer,” whereupon Carden advanced on him from the stalls with the pronouncement, “Never mind: no-one will know from the front.”

On hearing that Jeffery Archer had written Beyond Reasonable Doubt on a Friday remarked 'What I would like to know is, what time on a Friday?'

Ada: 'Me and my husband have just come back from a holiday in Marrakech'

Cissie: 'Did you have the Shishkebabs?'

Ada: 'From the moment we stepped off the plane'.