'By the way, I'm not actually the Chief Electrician, so bear with me, the Chief heard it was you, so has taken her holiday, she's only used to box sets anyway, you know straws and bluies. We had another lighting designer here the other week, he was always blowing his top, can't work with people like that can you? Oh! did anyone tell you, there's another show here in the mornings, you should see their rig, still, we can always change yours can't we?'

Lighting session: Director nowhere to be seen.

Arrives, 'Could have sworn it was this morning not last night, can you show me what you've done before we start the technical, I'll have to do the sound at the same time. I do so hope they've brought the right tape and not my new Streisand one.  'Don't Rain On My Parade' is suddenly heard.

'Can we all break, we'll soon sort it out, pity the Chief's in Portugal'.

Continue at 8pm.

Director decides all entrances should be from the other side of the stage. Next hour, actors are redirected.

'Let's try it again, such fun. Can we work through 'til 4am? I want to change so much, the set doesn't even resemble the model and now that I asked the designer to take it 'all down a little' it looks as if there's been a fire on stage, it just isn't how I pictured it at all'.

'Has changing it all, made any difference to your lighting? Still, that's what it's all about isn't it?

‘The leading actor is worried about looking his age, can you do anything? What about footlights, I've heard that works, oh! and before I forget, each time he makes an entrance would you lift the lighting just a little, his idea, nice touch don't you think?'

'It looks lovely darling, can we keep the atmosphere but make it three times brighter? I'm sorry, you were quite right, can you re-do your first 64 cues as you originally planned? I'm sure the footlights would have done the trick, you know'

'By the way, did anyone tell you, we have a full house for the public dress rehearsal, isn't it wonderful'.

'No I'm sorry, all the seats are taken, you'll have to stand at the back of the upper circle'.

Home, at last.

Phone: 'Sorry darling but we close after Hull, still it's been such fun, hasn't it?'.

Ok, I confess, not all in one production but all verbatim!

                                                   JOTTINGS DURING AN INTERVAL

Call from agent: 'New play, star names, new management, new director, possible West-End, sounds exciting, no money, but Oh! the kudos!'

Director insists on a private meeting at 6pm at rehearsal rooms to go through everything. Leave Torquay, arrive London, met by enthusiastic actor,

'This is all going to be great fun, the Director's in the pub next door'.

'Marvelous to meet you, heard so much about you'.

Questions my private life.

'I like to get to know my people, can't quite remember how the set works but it's early days' (Twelve actually). 'We must all become one happy family, helps production don't you think? Number one tour then into town'

Lists dates, one out of the six resembles a number one date.

'I love lighting sessions, such fun and so productive, we all become a team, so exciting. Have you worked in a major theatre before? Did you know that one of the theatres only has one spot bar and some floods, can't understand that, we'll have to try and borrow some lamps for you I suppose, I do know someone who might help’.

‘We're rewriting everyday, so exciting, such a good play. Can you light all the dates? Well the stage management can do the odd one or two, they'll have such fun’.

‘I think the fee includes all the re-lights actually. Is it really 6:30pm already, must dash, one of our actor's friends is in a little play at the Donmar Warehouse so we can't miss that can we? Torquay? my that is a long way. I'll get in touch when I've decided if you'll fit in'.

Return to distant Torquay, wondering!

Next day, phone:

'Love to have you aboard, l think you'll fit in, you'll have such fun'.

Arrive for first stagger-through.

'Didn't anyone phone you yesterday, we're not running today, we're rewriting'.

Stay over, watch run through following day.

BBC producer sits in, leading lady throws him out, somewhat loudly I thought. Last three pages thrown out too, ending doesn't work. Author taken ill.

'These things keep us on our toes I always think’.

‘Schedule? difficult at the moment, we'll think something up don't worry'.

Return to Torquay and lighting plans.

Phone: 'Money's very short, why are you assuming the staff will rig on Sunday, I know we open on Wednesday but Sunday? I thought we would put the set up first, then you could rig on Monday, any problems? Surely one electrician is enough, you mean you don't actually focus the lamps yourself?'

Return to see another run, the happy family seem to be shouting a great deal. The words 'Star Wars' are mentioned by the asm.

Arrive theatre - Sunday.

'We're rigged, all is well, you didn't mind did you, but the plan we sent you is slightly out, so we've moved your bars six lines up, OK? Oh! by the way, two of my lads simply couldn't stay awake any longer so the house manager has sent them home, they needed a break. I've called in two boys from the pub, they're frightfully keen. We've lent the tallascope to the council, they're so good to us, but we do have a ladder, so thats alright. You see that lamp, the fourth one along, shaped like a box, where do you really want it? FOH is a mixture of 1K and 2K, not quite sure which, we never move them, you can't increase the FOH anyway, the council won't wear it, spoils the look of the auditorium. By the way, we haven't any colour 127, but don't worry, we've cracked it, we've used a mixture of 113 and 114. You know those 2Ks, well they're not. Barn doors? We're still waiting for them'.

'Sorry, we've cut those two lamps, assumed the other two would do the job. We've been working solidly now for an hour and a half, isn't it time for a break?'

'Why are you tightening all those lamps, we have them fully open, saves equipment and it's so even. We've had to use profiles on that bar, we've lent the others to the local am dram, no problem I hope? Are you sure you want to use open white, we've just finished the panto, so there's plenty of colour'.

NOT ONE TO GOSSIP BUT.............

         (An Exercise In Name Dropping)

Wages Of Sin!!