7 MONTHS IN!!
Your famous Patron's agent rings you to say that unfortunately he has a new production of his World Famous Musical opening in Hawai and maybe better for him to step down!
SIMPLE!! Get hold of your local MPs - they'll do it like a shot and get the Mayor - all adds a bit of class doesn't it?
10 MONTHS IN!!
Well Done!! You've now got 15 artists including 2 Superstars and hey! only 7 are 'subject to availability'!! At 10:00am you take the 7th version of your poster to the printers, he says "collect them at 12:30pm". As you take them through your front door, the phone rings. "Oh I'm so dreadfully sorry, as it is such appalling news, I thought that I would ring you personally. The fact is, they've moved my dates round and I'm having to travel to Liverpool for a Sunday run-through. Please forgive, do not hesitate to ask me again - bye!"
You ring your Director, "Shit! Try......."
TICKET PRICING
This is where I have to be somewhat serious, as this is so damned important. What do you do? Charge £10 throughout? Bit tacky that! You feel quite rightly that as you are now getting a great show together, why not sell tickets at today's prices? For heaven's sake, with this show it cannot fail to 'sell-out'! NEVER EVER SAY THAT!!!
Had a wonderful 'Wheeze' besides charging £9 - £18:50 why not create Champagne 'Gala' Seats @ £25. suggest that they turn up an hour before the show and have a 'get-together' with the Mayor and Patrons and the Charity could say a few words? Believe it or not, they were the first tickets to go!!
Caterers asked to provide some sparkling wine - no probs!
Telephone rings, Manager of theatre:- "Hi Richard - tickets seem to be going rather well, especially your Champagne ones - one minor problem, as you have advertised Champagne that's what it's gotta be!! Trade Description Act, sorry, don't worry we can supply that!" (I swear I could detect a smile on the other end of the line!!)
PRODUCTION MEETINGS
You're called to a meeting with your Director and Lighting Designer (the one you were extremely lucky to get hold of) unfortunately the meeting is 70 miles away, your Director is discussing next year's panto at the local theatre and "thought it might be good to meet and discuss, as you're so near by!"
You find the hotel, they're having late breakfast, on sitting down the questions come fast and furious. You are able (with great conviction and honesty) to give all the right answers, indeed, you have a stunning star-cloth on loan, 3 sets of beautiful tabs (curtains) various set-pieces, you've organised the orchestra's music stands - Oh yes the theatre's piano is ok! All in all you leave your two heroes a very contented couple. On the way home you think that you had really better check the piano situation!
FOUR WEEKS TO GO
Well you're nearly there, you've gotta show - your 7th poster has gone up (wonder where all the posters are, you know, the ones that members of the Charity were gonna put up!)
The 'promised stretch limmo' guy has just rung to say: "Sorry no go!"
There's a problem with the 'programme' might not be able to show you a proof before the 'off ' "Are there many more changes to come?"
"Theatre piano is on hire, so the company will send an army of guys round on the day, to move it to it's designated position - 'fraid it's Sunday rates!"
"You know those plants that you ordered from the Council - well! - not exactly as you saw them but we'll come up with something - Don't worry!"
"Oh yes! the theatre catering staff will be in very early for you so that your artists will be able to have refreshments throughout the day"
Your superstar, unfortunately cannot make it.
The Sound Company fax you to say that as you have not been contacting them enough, they will be pulling out!
Ring round and round and round, eventually finding one "No Probs!!!"
THE DAY BEFORE
That 'bloody telephone' the MD informs you that a certain well-known name who has been rehearsing like mad in London has got 'cold-feet' and won't be coming!!!
Ring a friend (in desperation) ask "any chance of getting your sis to appear after all?"
Inform Director over early breakfast: 'Thank God for that!! always pulls out' (You think that the local Gay community will be somewhat miffed!)
"We'll start the 'Get In' at 7:00am if at all possible? What time does the 'sound' arrive?"
"8:00am" You sheepishly announce.
You're introduced to four fab members of the Director's staff who will be assisting.
Why is everyone 'cept you so damned relaxed?!
Get home: phone - her sis would be delighted!! Rush to printers, give them the added name.
"Please insert!" if looks could kill!!!
Theatre give you daily up-date "75% bookings Not bad you know considering the weather!!" (Freezing cold and pissing with rain - just what you need!)
Dinner with early artist arrivals at pre-booked restaurant, make sure all know it's a Dutch Treat!
Actually relax for three hours!!
THE DAY
The night before is one night (l assure you) when you will not close one eye let alone have a good night's kip!
6:00am - phone - "Sorry! star-cloth had to go out on hire!"
6:28am - phone - "Sorry! you know those sets of tabs? No Go!!"
Arrive theatre, everyone there, seem to be OK - relax! "Where are the star-cloth and tabs?" - garble something! "Oh and by the way any chance of a tea or coffee, doesn't seem to be anyone around to deal with that?"
Set-Up well under way - phone: "Sound Company's van broken down but don't worry should be there by lunchtime!"
Wonder where the programmes are?
Sound arrives 1:00pm begin set-up (No throat mikes!) just have to muddle through, speakers so damned big, must have thought Jimi Hendrix was appearing!
Rehearsals start - You go to look for programmes!! take your last taxi to find them round 5:00pm still nothing - eventually delivered to theatre round 6:00pm
Check the £25 Champagne Audience Arrivals to discover all seats sold!! - work that one out!!!! Room packed with very smart guzzling punters with smiles everywhere! Your pre-booked pianist is playing Cole Porter - tonight might be a success?!! Go and change into your expensively rented tux - white jacket!!!
Into the foyer to meet your patrons, note some well known faces - they've come to see your show!!
7:35pm CURTAIN RISES to the most fabulous sound of the piper playing Being Alive - gets carried away and plays it twice but the audience love it - followed by that brilliant 10 piece orchestra.
Are they good or are they GOOD!
Nerves get the better of you! wander round foyer - worried sick - keep hearing roars of approval - BOBBY CRUSH has stormed the place! Followed by everyone!
It seems now that you have hit the jack-pot!
Comes the finale!
Previously insisted that no matter what ROBIN COUSINS closes the night with Being Alive much against your BBC Producer's wishes, your Idol manages to drown the theatre with tears - he is simply sensational!
Kevin has the grace to say later "You were right - He was fab!"
REVIEWS
If you had paid someone to write them, you couldn't have wished for more!
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